I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
