70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
