I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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