So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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