I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
