the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
In America we eat man semen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
