my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
