Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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