be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize