Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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