Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
