You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
