We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize