The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
