Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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