did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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