There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
