After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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