I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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