I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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