His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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