I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i will never coherently bang her
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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