I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
