my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
