I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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