Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My penis needs a shock collar
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
