If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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