I'm so fucking centered right now
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
