quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize