I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
