i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
