Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My life is pants optional.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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