If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
