these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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