I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
