like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
