Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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