I faked an abortion last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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