apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
