Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
