She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
