the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
