My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
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