My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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