Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
