Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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