last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
