Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
