Betty ford says i'm here all night
I met the friendliest cop last night
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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