I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize