im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
