i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
