Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
