I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
