i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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