Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
