I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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