I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
