so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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