What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
