No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize