Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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