Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So much rum. So many feels.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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